If I were a better person.
I could be just your friend.
If I could deny my feelings and be on the mend.
I could love you for who you are
And never ask for more.
But I am sorry
But that is not who I am
You see I have a final plan.
I wanted a love
That is stronger than logic
That defies all
That lasts forever.
But alas, sometimes love is just a fantasy
Love dosent heal all.
Love dosent solve any problems
Sometimes you set yourself up for the fall.
But with you I feel something strong.
I know that my love for you
Just has to be wrong.
But it is still there.
I knelt before you
And you brushed the hair from my eyes
Some of the tender things you do
Just drive me wild.
But I know that I cant have you.
You don’t want me.
I cant have you.
I don’t understand why.
I love you too much to be around you right now.
It hurts me to watch you with someone else.
But it is what it is.
And love does not conquer all.
If I were a better person.
I could love you
Despite the fact that you cant love me.
But alas. That is not the truth
I am heartbroken
I cannot deny
But for you to give me your love…
I had to try
Things always look perfect from far away.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Thunder and lightning
No one knows why thunder follows lighting
No one knows why I love you
I cant understand why
I dont think I ever will
The rain falls to the stream
The stream runs to the river
And the river reaches the ocean
And that is how great my love is for you.
I know that you cant love me
Like a day without the sun
Like a year without a Christmas
I long for you
Like a fresh breath of air
I call for you
But you are never there
I wish things were different
I wish I could take back all the pain
But as time wont stand still
I cant stop loving you
And I don’t think I ever will
No one knows why I love you
I cant understand why
I dont think I ever will
The rain falls to the stream
The stream runs to the river
And the river reaches the ocean
And that is how great my love is for you.
I know that you cant love me
Like a day without the sun
Like a year without a Christmas
I long for you
Like a fresh breath of air
I call for you
But you are never there
I wish things were different
I wish I could take back all the pain
But as time wont stand still
I cant stop loving you
And I don’t think I ever will
Death of a Gnat
Little gnat hovering over my wine
You think a sip would be divine
You waited til I wasn’t looking
To take your sip
Little gnat floating dead in my wine
I see now you aren’t feeling so fine
I guess the gnat gnot what he deserved…
You think a sip would be divine
You waited til I wasn’t looking
To take your sip
Little gnat floating dead in my wine
I see now you aren’t feeling so fine
I guess the gnat gnot what he deserved…
Friday, August 13, 2010
I had to get out of there.
I had to leave.
Swiftly, I made it back to my desk, collected my belongings and told my supervisor that there was an emergency.
“I have to go.” I said.
She knew I was not asking for permission, but telling her what was going to happen. She knew something was wrong.
Grabbing my purse, I walked out the back door and quickly as my legs could go, I made my way to my house.
Today, I don’t remember what happened next. I know I drove home, but I was in shock. I knew my whole life had just changed and I didn’t know where to begin.
How would I sort this out? What happens now?
The door must have been locked, but my mother met me at the door.
She knew something was very, very wrong.
“What, Jenni? What?” she said.
I reached and clinging to her I fell to my knees.
“No. No, Jenni, no,” she screamed and ran away.
This was it.
Everything had changed.
I found myself alone, on my knees, sobbing. The rest of the world just faded away and I had to find a way to pick myself up and go on.
Nothing feels more lonely. If you have diabetes or cancer, your family gathers, supports you. Everyone says how strong you are and how they know you will make it.
But with HIV, people’s face changes. You notice they become more closed, guarded. People back away and send you their sympathies from a distance. Inside they wonder if you were a drug user or if you slept your way to illness. You can see their mind, calculating behind their eyes, working out how they are going to deal with you. What category will they put you in.
They feel sorry for you, from afar. Or they overcompensate. They do their best to show you they are “not scared” by making a point of sharing food or drink with you. It just looks like some big planned effort. A little show or play in your honor to say how “it dosent change the way I feel about you…see I can drink off your straw!” You know they are just trying their best, so you try to change the subject without feeling too patronized. And you pencil them in on your list of people “WHO KNOW.”
After awhile you are used as an example.
“I have a friend who…” those who know tell their friends or family. They tell you later, “I didn’t tell them it was you, tho.”
Some people tell others as a way to get attention, sympathy, satisfaction for themselves. Maybe it is so others will pity how sad life is for them. How awful it must be for them to have to love and care for someone who has it. What it must be like for them.
All the good things in life, the pleasures you have been working towards, waiting for. Well these things are no longer for you.
You are different now.
You are alone on the stage of the world under a bright red spotlight and everyone can see it. You walk down the street and it pours down around you. It feels like it is written on your forehead in three big red letters. Your life feels so much less valuable than before. You feel like poison.
I had to leave.
Swiftly, I made it back to my desk, collected my belongings and told my supervisor that there was an emergency.
“I have to go.” I said.
She knew I was not asking for permission, but telling her what was going to happen. She knew something was wrong.
Grabbing my purse, I walked out the back door and quickly as my legs could go, I made my way to my house.
Today, I don’t remember what happened next. I know I drove home, but I was in shock. I knew my whole life had just changed and I didn’t know where to begin.
How would I sort this out? What happens now?
The door must have been locked, but my mother met me at the door.
She knew something was very, very wrong.
“What, Jenni? What?” she said.
I reached and clinging to her I fell to my knees.
“No. No, Jenni, no,” she screamed and ran away.
This was it.
Everything had changed.
I found myself alone, on my knees, sobbing. The rest of the world just faded away and I had to find a way to pick myself up and go on.
Nothing feels more lonely. If you have diabetes or cancer, your family gathers, supports you. Everyone says how strong you are and how they know you will make it.
But with HIV, people’s face changes. You notice they become more closed, guarded. People back away and send you their sympathies from a distance. Inside they wonder if you were a drug user or if you slept your way to illness. You can see their mind, calculating behind their eyes, working out how they are going to deal with you. What category will they put you in.
They feel sorry for you, from afar. Or they overcompensate. They do their best to show you they are “not scared” by making a point of sharing food or drink with you. It just looks like some big planned effort. A little show or play in your honor to say how “it dosent change the way I feel about you…see I can drink off your straw!” You know they are just trying their best, so you try to change the subject without feeling too patronized. And you pencil them in on your list of people “WHO KNOW.”
After awhile you are used as an example.
“I have a friend who…” those who know tell their friends or family. They tell you later, “I didn’t tell them it was you, tho.”
Some people tell others as a way to get attention, sympathy, satisfaction for themselves. Maybe it is so others will pity how sad life is for them. How awful it must be for them to have to love and care for someone who has it. What it must be like for them.
All the good things in life, the pleasures you have been working towards, waiting for. Well these things are no longer for you.
You are different now.
You are alone on the stage of the world under a bright red spotlight and everyone can see it. You walk down the street and it pours down around you. It feels like it is written on your forehead in three big red letters. Your life feels so much less valuable than before. You feel like poison.
Today I caught myself being wicked. As the dentist chastised me for “telling them off” I couldn’t stop obsessing about it. (like I still am now…) not for what I said, which I felt was pretty tame, compared to some of the things I have said. But for being looked at, by the dentist, as not as cute and wonderful as he thought I was the first time I met him.
As he worked on my teeth, I sat there trying to find a way to save face…to take the doctor back to the place where I was nice and sweet and perfect. But I questioned myself as to why this is bugging me so much…and sure enough it was what the others were thinking of me that was driving me crazy. You cant control it. What other’s think of you. You can do your best to put your best face forward, but inside I feel like there a swirling center of sin…rumbling, rolling and demanding attention. Sometimes a little steam will escape. I catch myself giving the fuck me look to a man who caught my eye, when his girl is turned away. I find myself coveting what others have and trying to hide my own selfish behavior.
I am extremely selfish and wicked in my relationship with Atlanta, Georgia. I have him wrapped around my little finger and I never let him forget it. I sweetly have total control of the relationship and sometimes treat him like I have control of him also.I know that I only have as much control as he allows me to BELIEVE I have…but I deliciously revel in the thoughts of having the upper hand, Having control of the situation. Treating him like a naughty child.
How self indulgent
As he worked on my teeth, I sat there trying to find a way to save face…to take the doctor back to the place where I was nice and sweet and perfect. But I questioned myself as to why this is bugging me so much…and sure enough it was what the others were thinking of me that was driving me crazy. You cant control it. What other’s think of you. You can do your best to put your best face forward, but inside I feel like there a swirling center of sin…rumbling, rolling and demanding attention. Sometimes a little steam will escape. I catch myself giving the fuck me look to a man who caught my eye, when his girl is turned away. I find myself coveting what others have and trying to hide my own selfish behavior.
I am extremely selfish and wicked in my relationship with Atlanta, Georgia. I have him wrapped around my little finger and I never let him forget it. I sweetly have total control of the relationship and sometimes treat him like I have control of him also.I know that I only have as much control as he allows me to BELIEVE I have…but I deliciously revel in the thoughts of having the upper hand, Having control of the situation. Treating him like a naughty child.
How self indulgent
Feeling (upside down) BLONDE
Or maybe just too high…
You know what is really great?
Damn!
I fucking forgot!
I know it was something really profound.
REAL NICE JENNI…WAY TO GO!
This will make you a million one day
I say
But NOOOOOO
You forgot!
dumbass
Red Rover, Red Rover send memory back over!
What do I need to forget?
The lies
The insecurity
The betrayal
The shame???
What do I need to remember?
My kids
My family
My dogs
My friends
MYSELF (should that be first?)
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Manic Depressive
This is the manic part
the part that never wants to sleep
the part that causes all the problems
the part that causes the heartache.
everyone else in the world is sleeping
im sitting here...worrying about everyone else in the world.
I hate feeling like this
Maybe I think having a man around will fix it.
but that probably isnt true
Id rather be depressed
its much easier to just sleep
dreams you can forget...
this is the nightmare
you cant wake up from
there is a devil inside of me
i want to let it go
please leave
in the name of jesus
i command you to leave me now.
wow...hmmmm
i need sleep
this is the part they call mania
it is like living a nightmare...
the part that never wants to sleep
the part that causes all the problems
the part that causes the heartache.
everyone else in the world is sleeping
im sitting here...worrying about everyone else in the world.
I hate feeling like this
Maybe I think having a man around will fix it.
but that probably isnt true
Id rather be depressed
its much easier to just sleep
dreams you can forget...
this is the nightmare
you cant wake up from
there is a devil inside of me
i want to let it go
please leave
in the name of jesus
i command you to leave me now.
wow...hmmmm
i need sleep
this is the part they call mania
it is like living a nightmare...
weed weed
you are all i need
when im sad
for you i plead
you make my cares
not so awares
and fill me with funny happy
you make me go from...
"He's out with someone else...
to "He'll be back..."
I love you weed....
you are just my speed.
you are there when others cause problems
you are there when i.....lol I forgot...
that is what I love about you weed,
you fulfill almost every need.
you are with me when im alone
you leave me feelin stoned...
hmmm. I love my weed
Its my prince on a white steed...
now if you could just fuck me....
you are all i need
when im sad
for you i plead
you make my cares
not so awares
and fill me with funny happy
you make me go from...
"He's out with someone else...
to "He'll be back..."
I love you weed....
you are just my speed.
you are there when others cause problems
you are there when i.....lol I forgot...
that is what I love about you weed,
you fulfill almost every need.
you are with me when im alone
you leave me feelin stoned...
hmmm. I love my weed
Its my prince on a white steed...
now if you could just fuck me....
Why
Why am i so boy crazy?
I thought this crap ended when I turned from nineTEEN to twenty.
mellencamp said it hurts so good
but what is good about this hurt
Its constant and endless and empty
there is nothing good about it
Until I met you, i didnt worry
Until I met you I didnt care
But now I just wish I could change it
change the past
so you could be here
I see you in another life
but in this world, I am your wife
we live and work and make things happen
no thinking about what could have been
when will this be okay for me?
when will this be alright
I never really felt the hurt
until i met you
now what am i supposed to do...
maybe if im patient
maybe if im strong
this will have a happy ending
but everyone says im wrong
i dont want to give up
I always thinking of you
all the things we used to do
I just want to be with you again
to feel you inside me again
to have you kiss me again
oh how i miss you
i wish i could change the past
i would change it in a flash
but i cant
and you arent here
and im not your wifey
and instead of being right....
everything is just ALL WRONG.
I thought this crap ended when I turned from nineTEEN to twenty.
mellencamp said it hurts so good
but what is good about this hurt
Its constant and endless and empty
there is nothing good about it
Until I met you, i didnt worry
Until I met you I didnt care
But now I just wish I could change it
change the past
so you could be here
I see you in another life
but in this world, I am your wife
we live and work and make things happen
no thinking about what could have been
when will this be okay for me?
when will this be alright
I never really felt the hurt
until i met you
now what am i supposed to do...
maybe if im patient
maybe if im strong
this will have a happy ending
but everyone says im wrong
i dont want to give up
I always thinking of you
all the things we used to do
I just want to be with you again
to feel you inside me again
to have you kiss me again
oh how i miss you
i wish i could change the past
i would change it in a flash
but i cant
and you arent here
and im not your wifey
and instead of being right....
everything is just ALL WRONG.
Jenni with an I
Well I thought I would do this on facebook...but I think this may be a better outlet than that. I have lots in my brain right now, but not the energy to deal with it all!!! So I will just say...I wish you were here...you break my heart every day.
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