I had to get out of there.
I had to leave.
Swiftly, I made it back to my desk, collected my belongings and told my supervisor that there was an emergency.
“I have to go.” I said.
She knew I was not asking for permission, but telling her what was going to happen. She knew something was wrong.
Grabbing my purse, I walked out the back door and quickly as my legs could go, I made my way to my house.
Today, I don’t remember what happened next. I know I drove home, but I was in shock. I knew my whole life had just changed and I didn’t know where to begin.
How would I sort this out? What happens now?
The door must have been locked, but my mother met me at the door.
She knew something was very, very wrong.
“What, Jenni? What?” she said.
I reached and clinging to her I fell to my knees.
“No. No, Jenni, no,” she screamed and ran away.
This was it.
Everything had changed.
I found myself alone, on my knees, sobbing. The rest of the world just faded away and I had to find a way to pick myself up and go on.

Nothing feels more lonely. If you have diabetes or cancer, your family gathers, supports you. Everyone says how strong you are and how they know you will make it.
But with HIV, people’s face changes. You notice they become more closed, guarded. People back away and send you their sympathies from a distance. Inside they wonder if you were a drug user or if you slept your way to illness. You can see their mind, calculating behind their eyes, working out how they are going to deal with you. What category will they put you in.
They feel sorry for you, from afar. Or they overcompensate. They do their best to show you they are “not scared” by making a point of sharing food or drink with you. It just looks like some big planned effort. A little show or play in your honor to say how “it dosent change the way I feel about you…see I can drink off your straw!” You know they are just trying their best, so you try to change the subject without feeling too patronized. And you pencil them in on your list of people “WHO KNOW.”
After awhile you are used as an example.
“I have a friend who…” those who know tell their friends or family. They tell you later, “I didn’t tell them it was you, tho.”
Some people tell others as a way to get attention, sympathy, satisfaction for themselves. Maybe it is so others will pity how sad life is for them. How awful it must be for them to have to love and care for someone who has it. What it must be like for them.
All the good things in life, the pleasures you have been working towards, waiting for. Well these things are no longer for you.
You are different now.
You are alone on the stage of the world under a bright red spotlight and everyone can see it. You walk down the street and it pours down around you. It feels like it is written on your forehead in three big red letters. Your life feels so much less valuable than before. You feel like poison.